My husband recently wrote, 3 Things Every Husband Wishes He Could Say To His Wife, and the response was so overwhelming I felt I needed to chime in. You can read his article by clicking here.
My favorite thing about his article is all the passionate conversations it started between spouses. It gave husbands a chance to verbalize some things they may have wanted to say, but I’ve heard from the ladies, “Hey! What about what we want to say!” so here ya go. My advice, if you haven’t already, is lay in bed tonight and read both articles out loud with your spouse and talk about it. My hope is it will spark a meaningful conversation in your marriage.
One study surveyed 20,000 men and asked this question, “Would you rather have sex every single night with for the rest of your life with no emotional connection or twice a week with someone you love?” and the response may surprise you – 91% of men said they would rather have sex twice a week over the unemotional, nightly hookup.
Yes, as many as 7 out of 10 men in America view pornography on a regular basis, that’s not good, but did you know men who are happily married are 61 percent LESS likely to look at porn?
Every time I hear statistics about porn and infidelity it can make me feel hopeless if I let it, but I believe at the core of every man is a desire to have a meaningful, loving, and loyal relationship instead of the emotionally bankrupt hookup. That’s why it’s so confusing when I feel like my husband views me more as a sex stop than an emotionally connected partner. I didn’t always feel that way.
I don’t doubt that you love your wife sir. If I had to guess, most husbands would say, “I love her, of course I love her”- but the problem is, we can’t distinguish between your love for football, money, your grill, and your love for us. For a wife, love is synonymous with words like special, honored, appreciated and valued. For a man sometimes it feels like love is interpreted as orgasm or maid.
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good not harm, all the days of her life.
At some point in time, I know you valued your wife because you decided to spend a lot of money, get down on one knee, and pop the question. I’m willing to bet, when you decided to get married, there wasn’t anything you valued more than your soon-to-be wife. And just like anything of value, you put time and money, and energy into acquiring her. But then, because of time, and ware, and I guess boredom- she became common in your eyes, and that’s what scares us to death. We know what you do with things you don’t care about anymore. We can see them collecting dust in the garage.
So here are 3 things every wife wants to tell her husband:
1. I worry one day you won’t find me interesting.
No seriously, our biggest fear is, that because you’ve already seen us with our shirt off, we are no longer mysterious, we won’t be able to keep your attention. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, “Can you stop looking at everyone else, caring about everyone else, trying to impress everyone else- and LOOK AT ME. Do I have to worry about every waitress, secretary, flight attendant, and gym babe you see? And maybe it’s not the younger blonde that draws your attention but the neighbor you seem to always be chatting about, or the new secretary who knows everything about you, or even our best friend’s wife who seems to always make you laugh. I worry that I will, in fact, become a statistic, and I will be added to the group of women who have categorically been placed alongside the other useless items you used to care about. I want to hold my value in your eyes or even increase in value over time… without having to have a boob job. I’m not really mad about you not taking out the trash, or going out for another guy’s night with your friends. I’m mad because it feels like you don’t listen to me, or would pick something else or someone else over me every single time. Bottom line: I want to know I am the most valuable person in your life.
2. I feel like everyone else gets the best of you- and I get what’s left of you
I hear the way you talk to your friends on the phone, they get your best conversations, your sense of humor. Your work get’s all your energy. You’re hobbies get all of your passion. I feel like I get booted to the back of the line. I don’t care if you buy a new fishing pole or golf club, but it does frustrate me when you tell me we don’t have money to pay for childcare so we can go out. I want you to work to impress me as much as you do for everyone else.
Here are some ways you can make me feel like I’m getting your best effort:
Turn off the tv, put down your phone, look me in the eye and talk to me.
Take a day off of work for you and I to spend together
Figure out a way for me to find out that you turned down your friends to spend time with me (without telling me)
Cook dinner for the family one night. I don’t care what it is, I just think it’s sexy to see a man in the kitchen. Have the kids help you clean up. It’s cute. We will have sex that night. Trust me.
Send flowers to my work, even if I told you one time I didn’t care about flowers… I was lying. We will have sex that night too.
Here is the tough part, I’m high maintenance, every woman is, so you can be incredible for like an entire week, but I need you to show up next week too. The wedding was just the beginning of our journey for me, sometimes it feels like it was the final destination for you. Bottom line: I can tell when you care and when you’re trying. Show me you care and you’re trying. I promise it will be worth it.
3. It’s not enough that you provide for me, I want you to lead me
I appreciate so much that you work hard (if you actually do. If not, go get a job) and give us what we need to feel stable- believe me it’s a big deal, but if you make me choose, I would rather you be home to tuck the kids into bed, or not work Sundays so we can go to church as a family. I know, at times, I’ve made it sound like money and security were most important to me, but they’re not. It’s important, but our daughter would rather have you read her a story than buy her another iPad, even if she doesn’t know it yet. I don’t want to have to beg you to do the things men should do. For God sake turn off the freaking Xbox! I hate having to worry that “guys’ night” is code for strip club, or that I need to have your email and facebook password. You are a good man, but sometimes it feels like you want to set your life on autopilot when I need you to lead our family. Don’t make me be the bad guy all the time with the kids, don’t make me beg you to go on a date. You may not know it, but it’s sexy when you set up life insurance or the kids’ college savings, it lets me know you took the lead.
Bottom line: We’re not kids anymore, and I don’t want us to be. I need a man!
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