Have you ever argued about something because you felt like you were supposed to but the whole time you’re thinking to yourself, “I don’t think I agree with my argument?”
There are certain things in life we are conditioned to fight for or against, but if we were to take a moment, remove all of our preconceived ideas, and all of our preferences for fairness, we might see the truth we so adamantly oppose.
I’ll just get right to the point. When I say, “sex between anyone other than one husband and one wife is wrong” your immediate reaction is probably to argue against me. I understand why. The idea that God would create something as incredible as sex, and then withhold it from anyone who doesn’t abide by a “traditional” view of purity and marriage seems unfair, old fashioned really.
Everybody has something to say about sex… unless you grew up in a conservative Christian church, then no one said anything. It’s always a little awkward when “Sunday school teacher sister Betty” buys a boa for the lingerie shower. Yikes! Who knew? You go sister Betty!
Your buddies at the bar, your girlfriends at book club, Hollywood, magazines, and websites, everyone has an opinion, but what does the Bible say. You might be surprised to know it has a lot to say actually, but this is not a research paper, so I won’t bore you with a ton of references. Instead, I just want to ask you one question. One question that will cut through all the noise, and help you clarify what you believe and if you agree with God’s rules for sex. You ready for the question? Here it is:
Has sex outside of marriage made your life better or more complicated?
Just take a moment and think about it before reacting. I can’t answer for you, but I can answer on behalf of the countless numbers of people who have sat on my office couch or in my living room, trying to explain how their life ended up where it is.
For some, sex literally made your life more complicated because now you have a baby daddy or baby momma who drives you crazy, but you’re forced to coexist for the sake of your child.
For others, sex made your life more complicated emotionally. Maybe it was a high school sweetheart, or a college party hook up, the scenarios are endless, but now you can’t shake the feeling that you’ve given up something you can never get back. Hurt, regret, shame, and condemnation, are just some of the complicated emotions that swirl around in our head and heart when thinking about past decisions.
If the purpose of sex were strictly pleasure, it wouldn’t matter what we do, but pleasure is not the ultimate purpose of sex. God created sex to be the supernatural superglue of marriage, so while the pleasure is AMAZING, the emotional implications are even more profound. God created sex, yes, to create babies, but also to form two people into one person. He created sex so that one husband and one wife could be united together physically, spiritually, and emotionally. That’s one reason why sexless marriages have so many problems, but that’s a different article for another time.
I know it feels unfair, like God wants to sexually frustrate or torture you, but He doesn’t. God’s guidelines for sex are meant to protect you not punish you. If sex is the supernatural superglue of marriage, that means when you have sex with someone other than the husband or wife God has designed for you, you are supergluing yourself to them physically, mentally, and spiritually. Everything seems fine as long as you’re together but when you decide to call it quits, you realize something tragic, it’s the same thing you realized in 2nd-grade art class. You can’t “unglue” something. Sure, you can work really hard and figure out a way to pull it apart, but it’s messy, really messy. That’s probably why you can’t get over your high school sweetheart; it’s why you struggle to not compare your spouse to former lovers. It’s why you end up scrolling through Facebook looking for old flames. Sure, the sex was great, but the connection was supernatural.
So be honest with yourself. Has sex outside of marriage made your life better or more complicated?
It could be that in this season everything is going fine for you. You’re in love and lust. The sex is great, and you’re sure there will be no long term damage to your choices now. I’m not mad at you, I am happy for you. Enjoy it! But there is a chance, what feels like a sure thing will fade, and when it does the most painful part is the memories won’t fade with it because supernatural intimacy in unforgettable.
Like always, God’s “rules” provide us with the best life. The sinful parts of us want to fight and reject his ways, but eventually, we hit a dead end and realize once again, God’s way works and my way hurts.
If choices in the past have left you feeling like a failure, feeling hopeless, and disqualified from God’s best, don’t ever forget, God can forgive, heal, and restore you from your sexual sin. I’m not going to lie to you, there may be some earthly consequences you have to carry around with you in this life, just like all of us who have made sinful choices in the past, but a bad decision doesn’t disqualify you from God’s best plans for your future. All it requires is repentance and a decision to choose purity starting today. You can’t change the past, but you can change the direction of your future. No matter how many sexual partners you’ve had, make the decision today, “I’m going to choose God’s plan for sex, and save myself for my future spouse.”